A Pirates Life For Me
by noobwriter101
Summary: Just a short crack fic... i think the titel should say quite enough.  AU - M/M - sexsual content - language.


Disclaimer: I don't own Hellboy or it's characters and do not make any money out of writing this!

So… this is just a crack fic, something I wrote in three hours time or so. It's bad, I mean it didn't really flow for me, but I HAD to write it down and upload it. hope you all like it.

O and btw I really love the comments, nice to see that people actually like While You Were Sleeping so thank you all for giving me the motivation to go on. Not that there was a way for me to not to since Kel would annoy the hell out of me every single time when I'm not typing.

Anyway enjoy.

(Btw this is the right one, The first Pirates Life For Me was full errors, thank you DoodleSmuke for pointing it out ^^.

"AHOY MATEYS! Welcome aboard on this here ship, the best ship on the seven seas. My name is captain Hellboy and this lass here be Shark tooth Liz my second in command. And you landlubbers best be me crew."

"AARRRGGGHH"

Yelled a woman dressed up in a pirate's uniform with a patch covering her right eye and everything.

"Red."

"Now you all get you butts to work before I keelhaul you, aarrggghhh"

"RED!"

The demon pirate turned to the one who yelled out his name. It was the fine looking agent and his mate to be, John. His hands on his hips and a stern look on his face. A thing he had to do often, mostly because it was the only way red would even pay attention to him if he was up to no good.

"I have no idea on how you convinced Manning to get this yacht in the first place, but there is no way that he would let YOU be captain. Where is he anyway?"

"He'd be sleeping with the fishes by now, and that is where thee be if thee keep undermining my authority lass."

He aimed his fake hook threateningly at John. The human had no further attention for the demon though as he ran to the side of the ship to see if there was any sign of the director. He could see a man floating on the water raising his fist angrily at the ship and its crew.

"Why did no one help him get back on the ship?"

"Because if they would have they would have joined him. They be a loyal crew unlike thee."

"RED FOR GOD SAKE. You'll get into so much trouble after we get back, he will skin you alive you know that right?"

"Well shiver me timbers, I have never heard a lass being so rude to me before. I told you to mind your tongue scallywag, or I'd not be gentle with you tonight. Now leave me be, I still have a lot of sprongs that need to be trained, and me and first mate Shark tooth need to find a port to plunder."

"Right ye be captain, rum and booty for us!"

"And Liz, what the hell? I get that Hellboy would act like an idiot, but you?"

"I thought the captain said to hold your tongue, or do you want to meet the people in Davy Jones' Locker matey."

John grabbed the bridge of his nose and sighted deeply, when Abe walked past him to whisper something to him.

"Give in John, you know you can never win this, when the both of them act like this, it's usually a lost cause and a waste of time."

Abe was already prepared for the worse and had stacked up at least two bags full of books, it was a vacation after all so he might as well enjoy it.

Both Hellboy and Liz completely ignored John and together they walked off singing in unison:

"YO HO YO HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!"

After several hours had passed John finally gave up on those two. Even though it took several times before he did. First he scolded Hellboy for forcing a newbie agent to scrub all the floors of the ship. The agent self was too afraid to contradict the demon. Next John had to smack Hellboy on his head for holding an agent upside down and dipping his head in the water because the agent refused to call him captain. Normally Hellboy was already a handful, but now it was even worse. So, after almost being thrown overboard he decided it was enough. He grabbed a large towel and lay down next to Blue who had been reading all day under his parasol so his skin wouldn't dry out.

"Told ya."

Was all he said. John, who was too tired to argue just lay down and enjoyed the warm rays of the sun. Sadly for him his rest was soon disturbed by the dynamic duo heading their way.

"Aarrgghh I see us some nice couple of wenches captain, the fish man be mine."

"Yes, yes Sweety this fish man is all yours, but now he's reading."

He simply waved here of.

"Ok, but tonight your ass is mine."

She returned in a rather girlish un-piratey voice.

"Yes Shark tooth but the other wench be mine, and mine alone."

John, totally unimpressed with this simply flipped over on his back and gave the demon a stare.

"Yes Captain this 'wench' would have been yours, sadly he'd not be sleeping in thee cabin. Instead Daniel agreed that I could share his room since your being to busy with being a pirate, so I figured I'd give you all the space that you need."

The demon stayed quite for a moment. Was this for real? John would never ever pass out on sex. Despite his looks John could be a real stud some times.

"You serious?"

"Yes! That I be."

"But John, you know I need my daily dose of Boy Scout."

"You should have thought about that before you went all captain jerk on everyone."

All Hellboy did now was stutter a few times before storming off, with Liz right behind him.

John who laid there on his towel smiled satisfied.

"Nice one."

Blue said before high fiving john. The F.B.I. agent closed his eyes and drifted off into a deep sleep.

The next time John saw Hellboy was during dinner, where he was sitting at the head of the table with a stack of pizzas. His mood had not improved since, as he constantly shot glares in John's direction. Not a word was spoken between the two.

John who had completely ignored Hellboy was in conversation with Daniel who he now shared a room with. It seemed like a good idea to get to know him a little better, and warned him the same time that things might happen. You never know with Hellboy. The agent looked over at the demon who was now glaring at Daniel. John told him not to worry about it, Hellboy might seem intimidating but he knew better. The two of them chattered on about their life while Hellboy was still unpleased about the current situation.

How dare John ignore him, talking to some other guy that he didn't know or approved of. What if this guy was trying to get in John's pants. Just look at him those shady eyes, that phony grin. He didn't like him one bit. But sadly for him, there was nothing he could do about it. Sure he could throw his ass overboard but that would only make things worse for him. So best to leave it be for now.

The rest of the evening went on pretty much the same. John talking, Hellboy glaring, Liz smooching with Blue, and the newbie fidgeting, not feeling comfortable at all. By the time everyone went to bed, two people remained awake, captain Hellboy and Shark Tooth Liz. The both of them bickering on the deck.

"Come on Red what's going to stop you, just bash your way into his room and drag him with you. It's not like you let a door stop you. I've seen you many times with John over your shoulder while you sing about that you are getting laid, so what the problem?"

"It's john."

He sighed.

"I think he's really mad this time. I mean he's in some guy's room right now. God knows what they are doing."

"yea right, John choosing to have sex with a meager agent over a muscle bound demon, what do you think. Trust me I know John, I doubt he's still pissed. You've gotten away with far worse then some simple pestering. I think the time when you peeped in the men's locker room was far worse then this."

Yeah, those where some nice memories. Except the bitch slap from John, that was quite painful.

"So let me put it simple for you big guy, either you bust into that room and take what's yours or you'll be spending the night with your hand. That will be a nice reunion right? I mean when's the last time you have to jack off instead of having John?"

Hellboy shook his head several times, trying to get that thought out of his mind. There was no way he would give John up that easily, and not just because he was tired of jacking off. NO! John was his, no matter what.

"You are right Shark Tooth, his ass is mine."

"Good, nice of you to realize that because the more time I'm spending here with you, the less time I have to fool around with my fish man."

Hellboy shivered at that thought. Blue was his friend for a long time yes, but there were some things he didn't have to know.

"Good to know that, please never talk about him in that way please. Or I'll never be able to get hard again."

Liz punched him against his shoulder hurting herself more then she did Hellboy, but it was the thought that mattered.

"Shut up and get your man, idiot."

And so he did. More determined then ever Hellboy made his way to that slime bag's room where he would claim his wench whether he liked it or not. After practically running through half of the ship, Hellboy made it to where his lover lay. Not bothering to knock he simply bashed down the door.

"I"VE COME TO CLAIM MY WENCH!"

Daniel who was sleeping in the bed jolted upwards and yelled out in surprise. John, less surprised didn't even bother the sit up. Hellboy bursting through a door… nothing he hadn't seen before. He just waited for the inevitable.

Hellboy bended over and picked up John, throwing him over his shoulder. He turned to Daniel and glared at him.

"His ass is mine, so don't think you can just take him from me."

He walked out but before he did, Daniel was able to yell something at John.

"Good luck."

Judging by the sound of his voice John could tell that he was ok, and fully aware of the situation, as John had explained the situation to him beforehand.

"So, what took you so long?"

John said, still half asleep. Several other agents had poked their head out of their door to see what the commotion was all about. But after they saw Hellboy with John over his shoulder they already knew what was going on and went back to sleep.

"Normally you wouldn't have survived an hour without me."

The demon grumbled, he hated when John was right.

"Shut up. Think you can just hook up with some meager man, please. It should be my name that you scream out in pleasure not his. And it should be me filling you up, not him."

Hellboy grumbled.

"Worthless little runt, thinking he can steal my John away from me. Ridicules. He is mine and mine alone."

He mumbled.

"So… what's the plan now captain? You going to ravish me in your cabin?"

"Oooooohh no mister, your not getting off that easily."

Hellboy made his way up on the deck, all the way to the front of the ship and gently laid John down. The moon was full and the stars where clearly visible, the perfect moment for a romantic date. The exact opposite of what he planned to do.

"Let's get started."

Luckily for him John slept in his underwear, leaving him naked quite quickly, although he liked to strip the agent of his clothes. But he had to do it like this. He lowered his head, his tongue trailing over the agent's chest.

"Why are you still wearing that stupid outfit? How did you get that anyway?"

"Liz."

He managed to say between the licks and slurps.

"Figures."

John started unbuttoning Hellboy's shirt which the demon quickly discarded. The pants soon followed leaving the demon in nothing more then his captain hat. Hellboy wanted to take it off, but John stopped him.

"Leave the hat on, Captain."

He smirked at John.

"I knew you would like the captain thing."

"Shut up!"

He pushed himself up against the demon's large build body, wrapping his arms around his chest. His right hand slowly trailed down, grabbing a handful of Hellboy's bubble butt.

"Frisky are we? Does this mean you want foreplay?"

But before John could answer a noise of metal falling on the floor filled the air. The lovers looked up to see the newbie staring at them, a metal bucket laid on the floor which he used to scrub the floors.

"Ehm, hey there skippy. You finally done with those floors?"

He did not answer, nor did he ran away. His face was shocked, yet not disgusted.

"What do we do with him?"

John asked, feeling a little uncomfortable by the whole situation. Although he should have seen it coming since Hellboy wasn't the quite type during sex.

"Let him watch, he can leave if he wants to."

He simply said before returning to licking john

"So, how about that foreplay?"


End file.
